A Mother’s Guilt

What a week. Seriously.

Nugget has been fussy….no wait, not fussy. That word cannot describe the tiny terror that had taken over my household for the past 7 days. There was not much that would calm her down, save a ton of gripe water and many many hours bouncing and walking from the front to back door. I was convinced she had an ear infection, mainly because at the last doctor’s appointment I was told that fussiness was a sign of such infection. So we hopped on over to the doctors office first thing this morning. Verdict? Nugget is not getting enough breastmilk. Cue the tears.

I’ve been depriving my daughter of food.

Unknowingly, I’ll give you that, however it doesn’t make a dent in the guilt I feel. A mother should know when her child is hungry. I should have known. How could I have let this happen? *sigh* I sat in the doctor’s office after our appointment nursing my daughter, and thought to myself – how could I have done a better job? Could my diet have been better? Is my weight an issue with milk production? I’ve been doing things that I thought would help – lactation cookies, trying to at least walk every day, eat as healthy as I can. Maybe it had a negative impact on my milk production, but who knows. My doctor said that some women can have ample supply at the beginning, and it just tapers off without cause.

Nugget is fine, really. I’m overreacting I know – she hasn’t lost weight, but she hasn’t gained much either. Wouldn’t any mother who is breastfeeding react the same way? It is nothing that a formula bottle to supplement nursing will fix, and hopefully Nugget will pack on some more weight and get back into a positive growth curve. We had our first formula experience this afternoon, and she took the bottle like a champ, played on her floor gym (while I washed all the bottles in preparation for our new routine) and finally put herself to sleep in the swing. All without any screaming tantrums. Progress!

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